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After going on for months about big fat Indian weddings, their cost, financial and emotional tolls and the way we design our weddings to be displayed and consumed—it was my turn to wade my way through the industry whilst planning my own nuptials.
If you don’t recall, I can give you the TLDR, which is that I was torn to shreds a few years ago for making the suggestion that having a lavish six-figure wedding isn’t at all a necessity.
Particularly, I implored the South Asian community to consider their budget and added my thoughts on how social media pressures have pushed us (and our parents) beyond our financial limits in order to keep up appearances.
It was nothing new, but the pressure to not only maintain but curate an image has become even more apparent in recent years.
After I was engaged and ready to start figuring out where the hell to begin, my dad was quick to remind me that if I even dared to have a big week-long soiree there would likely be people outside of my home with pitchforks ready to point out my hypocrisy.
I had to put my money where my mouth is (both literally and figuratively) because contrary to popular belief, having even a small wedding isn’t without its endless expenses.
My husband and I chose to do things our way.
We really wanted to do a destination wedding and had made that decision prior to even getting engaged. It was our desire to keep things intimate and a destination wedding felt easier to control.
It also came with a smaller price tag than a week-long wedding locally would have and I’d be lying if I said this also didn’t play a factor.
As a young couple starting our life together, we didn’t want to start this new chapter in debt or burden our families with the high costs of a Big Fat Indian Wedding, particularly if this didn’t align with our wishes anyways.
With a mortgage, extensive travel plans and a dog we treat like a child, a big wedding was something we were willing to forgo in order to plan for the future.
And contrary to popular belief, you can do things small and still have your dream wedding.
I’m someone who has long fallen into the trap of believing that I needed everything to be perfect—or just look perfect to other people.
Sometimes, life is about more than just painting a pretty picture, and I’ve learned that despite the social media pressure to keep up appearances, the story behind the picture is what endures.
I’ve learned that if every major moment in your life is dictated by how it will be seen by others, you are robbing yourself of the moment.
And for a long time I remained in this incessant loop, fixating so hard on appearances that I often missed the best times of my life by worrying about what others may think or how it would look.
This time, I vowed to do things differently.
We went ahead with planning a very small Anand Karaj locally and a civil ceremony in Mexico so that we could profess our vows in front of our entire family and have a big party.
I’ve always wanted to do vows in addition to an Anand Karaj because I think it’s a beautiful way to declare your love and make a verbal commitment in front of your loved ones, in addition to a spiritual one.
It was also a great way to do a destination wedding where everyone who came out could enjoy their week-long vacation, and to do any of the traditions we wanted in an intimate manner at home before the Anand Karaj.
When planning, I was thinking less about how my wedding would be for public consumption and more about how it would feel to the people living it—me, my husband and our families.
I had a very small at-home intimate maiyan and choora ceremony, had our Anand Karaj, and then went to Mexico with some of my loved ones to celebrate—a time that was filled with so much love and special memories that will last a lifetime.
I got to see my 90 year old bibi sipping (virgin) pina coladas by the pool, I got to share in special moments with my nieces, I got to watch my mom and dad dancing at the resort’s club… and I got to for once take my mask off in front of the people I love and be earnest about all of the love that is just spilling out of me when I look at my husband.
It wasn't without its challenges of course, with family members (my mother) grilling me at every stop thinking about things she could potentially add to the nuptials and do things bigger.
Doing something small was a foreign concept to many, but it didn't matter because it was what we wanted.
Others want the opposite, and that is also quite alright.
The truth is, we all think our wedding is the most important thing in the world. For a period of time, to us, it actually is.
But when the lights fade and you’re faced with the choices you’ve made, you have to confront whether or not this special moment in your life was even for you.
After the wedding, just like every other person who has ever gotten married, your special day blends in with the rest and people move on.
You have beautiful memories to last a lifetime, but the moment itself doesn’t define what’s to come.
While people may have levelled their opinions about how or why you did things in whatever way you did them, if the memories you have of this big moment in your life are positive and happy—it really doesn’t matter what other people think.
I’m grateful to my family for respecting my wishes and letting me enjoy this time in my life, because as a chronic people pleaser, turning down the volume on everyone else’s feelings and opinions of my life is something I don’t often allow myself to do.
In all honesty, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Wedding aside, I feel lucky to have married an incredible man who I love deeply. He has simultaneously been there for me, supported me and given me space to grow, while doing everything he can to grant my every wish.
The wedding meant a lot to us, and it was important for the focus to be our love and our families and also for the two of us to collectively choose what was best for us in this chapter of our lives—something that should and will define our partnership in the future.
The only words of “wisdom,” I can offer to others is that at the end of the day you have to live with your choices.
Whether you want to throw a massive week long soiree or if you want to run off and elope—just make sure you are happy with whatever is happening and no one else’s opinion should matter.
There comes a time in life where you have to decide if you’d rather disappoint others, or disappoint yourself.
And then all that’s left is to eat, drink and be married…or whatever.