No, Sima Aunty, women do not need to be more flexible.

Compromise is Sima Aunty’s favourite word.

On Indian Matchmaking, we see her setting the expectations of potential matches by reminding them that above all—they must be willing to be flexible and compromise.

Although this latest season, much like the others, was an absolute trainwreck, it got me thinking about how Sima’s exaggerated caricature of matchmaking isn’t actually that far off when we consider what actually transpires even in the most modern matchmaking endeavours.

I couldn’t help but think about the fact that since the dawn of time, the person expected to do the heavy lifting when it comes to the word compromise in a marriage—especially in South Asian cultures— is almost always the woman.

The show reflects much of the same.

As I watched the latest season and the subsequent social media storm surrounding it, it was inevitable to poke fun at how Sima consistently scolds the women on the show, telling them to be more flexible as they ask for basic things in a partner like someone who shares similar interests or can make them laugh.

In fairness, she does also scold the men, including Vikash who wants a Hindi speaker who also doesn’t have an accent and is from the same caste as him.

But the measure for what she considers an unreasonable ask varies greatly depending on if it is the men or the women doing the asking.

I mean, the sweet girl who went on multiple dates with Vikash and even introduced him to her siblings was ultimately shafted by him for not speaking Hindi—meanwhile she was kind enough to look past all of Vikash’s many and repeated indiscretions throughout their awkward painting date and I’m sure many other unseen moments.

I understand that Sima is saying that it’s normal that not everything on your checklist will be met, and while that’s true, everything in our society has inherently conditioned brown women for marriage without any sort of predetermined standards other than “good family” and “has a pulse.”

Beyond this, women really aren’t asked much in terms of their prerequisites for a partner, despite the compromises often inherent to our participation in the institution of marriage.

Then, we simultaneously get blamed for men’s indiscretions, as if we weren’t told to look past most of them to secure a partner above all else in the first place.

Right now, however, we are in a time where women in relationships are demanding more and walking away and this has in many ways shifted the balance when it comes to relationships, and may have a part to play in Sima Aunty’s extremely low success rate.

(Also perhaps the fact that the men she picks are absolutely awful, but I digress).

If you look at the divorce rate or the fact that single women are in general happier than married women, you see that in so many ways, women get the shorter end of the stick in marriage.

This means that if you are planning to pull the trigger on a match of your own or someone else’s choosing—you better be 110% certain that the person you’re with is the one for you.

So if having a partner who is romantic and can make you laugh are on your list of expectations, (which by the way is not unreasonable) you shouldn’t adjust your expectations just for the sake of finding a partner.

Sima Aunty’s tomfoolery reminded me of a conversation I recently had at a salon where a married mother of 2 was telling my stylist and I about the fact that particularly in South Asian culture, it is often women who are expected to make concessions for their partners in marriage.

Whether it’s the simple act of looking past many traits you’re not fond of or settling for someone who is lacking many of them that are prerequisites to your happiness, to actually fundamentally not sharing the same values but pushing forward anyways—brown women are the queens of compromise.

At the same time, however, while men are certainly expected to make an adjustment, their lives overall do not change as much by comparison and the title of husband doesn’t come with the same level of expectations.

While of course, no one is perfect and both you and your partner will have to learn to compromise, she added that women often see marriage as a beginning, and as they grow in relationships they come to do even more for their partners over time.

By contrast, men, (not all of them, just kind you may want to be wary of marrying), are generally who they are at the time you marry them.

Now this is a huge generalization and obviously does not apply to all relationships. In a healthy partnership, of course the love and commitment to one another grows over time.

But we often hear stories of women talking about how their partners used to pursue them, buy them flowers, take them on dates, and make an effort to woo them at the beginning of the relationships—but it’s only in very strong partnerships that we hear of this continuing for years or decades into the marriage.

It made me think about the need for women to ask themselves— even against Sima Aunty’s advice—that if this is as good as it gets, is this good enough?

Marriage and long term commitments often bring with them challenges, including both ups and downs.

It requires you to ask yourself if right now, in your current situation, you are happy with what you have, and if the love your partner has for you and all the things they do to show it were to stay exactly the same over time, if you are willing to accept it.

This includes the things your partner does or doesn't do for you, the love they have for you, the bond and friendship you share and the things you do together.

This also includes things that Sima considers frivolous like sharing the same interests or passions.

A connection naturally grows over time, but you can’t expect that a man who never helps around the house or buys you flowers when you're dating is going to learn this habit overnight when you're his wife.

Or a man that can't plan a date or go out of his way to do something nice for you is suddenly going to change his ways when you get married.

Or a man that can't stand up for you in front of his family is suddenly going to gain the ability to do so once you live together.

So while it may be a bit much to dwell on the minor details, there are some cases in which being “picky” works in our favour.

And in a society and culture in which finding a partner is equated with a happy ending, it’s revolutionary for us as brown women to set our standards and not accept anything less.

So while Sima Aunty may be warning you to be more flexible, compromise and adjust your expectations in order to find a husband, Rumneek Aunty says you actually do deserve to feel like all of your needs are met.

In a world where brown women are simply expected to endure and people will keep pushing to see how far we’ll bend, I say that we should be ruthless in the pursuit of our happy endings, overpriced matchmakers be damned.