Survivor's lived realities are not spectacles to be consumed

Content warning: Intimate partner violence, abuse

Every day, there is a new story of a woman killed at the hands of her partner.

This past week, 43-year-old Davinder Kaur was murdered by her estranged husband in a Brampton park.

She leaves behind four children.

As if the details of Davinder’s murder weren’t horrific enough, videos of the attack are allegedly circulating on social media.

Turning survivor's lived realities into a spectacle is a reflection of how the stories and experiences of women are only talked about once it’s too late to do anything about it.

Why are we comfortable enough to consume the stories and videos of abuse but not comfortable enough to actually call it out when it’s happening?

Why are we deeply unsettled to see the tangible end result of an abusive partnership, but never moved enough to do something before it gets to that point?

Although a shocking, horrific story—it's one we've heard before.

I often wonder when enough will be enough.

We've heard countless stories of South Asian women killed by their partners, and it usually sparks outrage until the news cycle—and all of us—move on.

We continue on with our lives, turning a blind eye to the uncle who verbally abuses his wife because it isn't our business, or the friend who we are pretty sure is controlling his girlfriend, because we don't want to get involved.

We speak in hushed whispers about the guy who we heard hit his wife, or excuse violence, anger or abuse because someone had been drinking.

It’s easier to look away, so we do.

This makes us complicit, because when abuse rears its ugly head in our community—no matter what the form—abusers are almost never ostracized in the same way that survivors are.

In fact, we’ve all likely heard stories of abusive men continuing their lives with their families support, while those experiencing abuse are left isolated for daring to speak out or attempting to leave.

We want to think that we have evolved beyond protecting abusers at the expense of survivors, but each woman’s death is blood on the hands of the entire community for creating an environment where men feel entitled to the lives of women, and above the consequences of their actions.

Yet when we raise our voices to decry abuse, violence, and misogyny in our communities because we understand the very real consequences of these issues, we are met with resistance, or dismissed entirely.

All you need to do is take one look at the comments section of stories like these to understand why it sometimes feels like we are fighting a losing battle.

But the loss of each and every woman who is a victim of femicide is a reminder why we can’t stop speaking up.

It’s a battle we can’t afford to lose

For every story that makes headlines, or every woman’s picture shown on the nightly news, there are dozens more muffling silent screams and hoping someone will notice.

And even more so, hoping someone will notice and actually care enough to do something about it.

Rest well, Davinder Kaur. I am so sorry this cruel world couldn’t protect you like it should have.

For Canada specific domestic violence support, click here.

For mental health crisis lines, click here.