Trying and failing to do it all as a new mom & learning to be okay with it

Let me keep it real with y'all: postpartum is kicking my ass.

I consider myself one of the lucky ones.

I don't have diagnosed postpartum depression and I have an incredible support system in my husband and family who lessen the load -- but even with all of that, I still feel the pressure to do and be it all as a new mom and constantly feel like I'm failing in every way.

Trying to balance it all is an impossible task, yet now I understand that as mothers, we can't help but try anyways.

With exhaustion in my bones, trying to manage a household– taking care of my baby while my husband takes care of me–it dawns on me sometimes in the early hours of the morning that I'm forgetting who I am.

For 10 months my body didn't belong to me and while I'm grateful my sweet daughter got to call it home, now it still feels like I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror, or how to belong in a body that was once only mine.

Some days I have glimpses of her, of who I want to be and I'm so given hope and excitement about this new era.

I love that my priorities have changed. I love that I care less about other people and their opinions. I love my little family and all the people in my world.

I love that my days are filled with tending to my little girl and getting to watch in wonder at all the amazing things she does on a daily basis.

But now that I’m not working and my days consist of newborn cuddles instead, I catch myself asking myself who I am to the world when my worth isn’t wrapped up into my output.

I wonder whether or not taking time away to start a family means that my career will stall, or if I’ll have to work twice as hard for my work to regain relevance upon my return. 

While that still feels far in the future (even though it isn’t, especially with how fast things are going), I feel like I'm struggling to show up for people in my life like I want to because I can barely even show up for myself.

Each day there's so many things I want to do that fade into the background while I try my best to look after my little one.

My husband does so much for me and for our family yet I feel myself struggling to reciprocate in the ways I used to. 

He continues to make life easier at home by stepping up, encouraging me to do things for myself and take care of myself even when he himself is exhausted. I wonder how he carries it all so well, and why the weight sometimes feels too heavy for me to bear.

I’m consumed (in the best way) by my baby, but I’m struggling with how to not let this new role consume me.

Motherhood has transformed me in just a few short weeks.

The title "mother" carries so much weight -- I still am figuring out how to wear the title, like a sweater that feels far too big.

I know I'll grow into it over time, evolving just as my little one does.

Some days, I feel like I’m failing miserably. Does it come naturally to everyone else?

I feel so blessed to have my daughter, and the joy she has brought into my life is immeasurable. I can't help but beam when I look at her.

At the same time, there's a part of me that feels alone, lost sometimes, trying to figure out who I am in this new chapter of life.

I mourn who I was, while I'm simultaneously excited about who I’m becoming.

Being a mom is beautiful. It has changed me in the best ways.

Being a mom is also brutal, lonely and exhausting.

I recently had two close friends' weddings and I wanted nothing more than to celebrate this joyous milestone in the lives of two women who mean so much to me.

But trying to be present for them while also caring for my baby (and my sleep deprived husband watching her on no sleep before and after work to allow me to do that) left me feeling defeated.

I felt like I was mentally and physically trying to be two places at once, yet entirely incapable of either.

Deep down I know I’m being hard on myself, but it’s hard to not feel like I’m falling behind in every regard.

I know this phase won't last forever. But the whirlwind of emotions a part of postpartum are something you can’t explain unless you go through it.

Postpartum is a strange experience, and even if you aren’t diagnosed with postpartum depression, this phase can feel extremely isolating, scary and emotionally taxing.

You’ve been thrust into a new role seemingly overnight with no manual on how to raise a child or how to carry yourself through a life altering experience. 

I feel immensely blessed every day to have the sweetest little girl transform my world for the better.

She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and her coming into my life was precisely what I needed. 

That’s what makes it so hard to navigate these conflicting feelings. 

My biggest fear is ensuring I don't burden my child with the weight of my unrealized dreams.

In order to be the best mother I can, I also need to try to rediscover who I am and who I want to be in this next chapter of life.

What this first phase has taught me is that if this beautiful blessing has redefined what I want from life, and knowing I want to put her first in all avenues–I also need to be sure that I at least make it on the list.

I need to remind myself that I can’t do or be it all, and part of the journey is learning to accept that.

If I’m fading into the background for now that’s okay, I just don’t want to completely fade away. 

I had my best friend's wedding week while my baby was only 6 weeks old, and I felt like I was simultaneously failing on two fronts. I couldn’t show up the way I wanted to for my friend and for her wedding events and I also was away from my daughter during a week she somehow decided she didn’t want to sleep. 

She even makes her way into my dreams during the few hours of sleep I do manage at night. 

The other day I dreamt I was going to play soccer -- something I truly love and have always loved -- and in the dream I brought my baby with me. I felt consumed with her feeding and sleeping schedule. I sat on the sidelines, watching everyone else play while I tended to my little love bug.

It felt like a metaphor for motherhood in a way.

There’s nothing I’d rather do than be there and care for my baby. But I also worry that I won’t have time for my own hopes, desires and dreams.

I know this isn’t true, and I know this phase won't last forever. But the whirlwind of emotions a part of postpartum are something you can’t explain unless you go through it.

Postpartum is a strange experience, and even if you aren’t diagnosed with postpartum depression, this phase can feel extremely isolating, scary and emotionally taxing.

You’ve been thrust into a new role seemingly overnight with no manual on how to raise a child or how to carry yourself through a life altering experience. 

I feel immensely blessed every day to have the sweetest little girl of my own to transform my world for the better.

She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’ve never been happier than when I look at her and her coming into my life was precisely what I needed. 

That’s what makes it so hard to navigate these conflicting feelings. 

My biggest fear is ensuring I don't burden my child with the weight of my unrealized dreams.

In order to be the best mother I can, I also need to try to rediscover who I am and who I want to be in this next chapter of life.

What this first phase has taught me is that if this beautiful blessing has redefined what I want from life, and knowing I want to put her first in all avenues–I also need to be sure that I at least make it on the list.

I know I am so blessed to have a support system in my life that not only encourages me to 

If I’m fading into the background for now that’s okay, but I just don’t want to completely fade away.