We’re leaving User243520023958 in 2024

In 2025, you’re not going to stress me out on my own phone.

The last few years have really empowered me (alongside my husband who has inspired me to give less fucks) to finally put a death to my people-pleasing ways and stop trying to fit whatever others want, need or expect from me.  

But what’s always been more difficult than this has been navigating the thoughts, feelings and perceptions of people who permeate the walls of my home and extend their opinions on my life, being, career and more through the little rectangular device I call a cellphone.

As someone with a public-facing career, I often think about how there are many prices we pay as women to exist in the world and how the online world brings with it a sense of entitlement on the part of those who follow our work or our lives online.

Part of me has even let this understanding dictate what I do and say—realizing that whether I like it or not, there are people who have developed an idea of my personality based on the things I post online.

Whether I am writing about politics or news or sharing my commentary on things in society or my culture—I have consistently been tone-policed on how I deliver my messages and what I choose to say.

I’ve been called “harsh,” I’ve been called “bold,” and I’ve been called a bitch. 

At first, it used to bother me that people I didn’t know or that people hiding behind anonymous accounts had negative things to say about me, mainly because I try hard to stay in my own lane and stay true to myself, and after all, these people don’t know me at all. 

Over the years, I noticed that my ability to find peace in my own life and decisions directly correlated to caring less what strangers think of me. 

(What an innovative thought).

Everyone always says “don’t read the comment section,” but it’s easier said than done. I truly can’t help myself sometimes. 

However, as I’ve stepped further into discovering presence and peace in my life, it’s dawned on me that there is no way to please everyone—so I’ve simply stopped trying.

There is no controlling what user9354877273 has to say about my outfits, the way I look, various aspects of my life and more.

So why give their perspective any weight to begin with?

On the other side of the coin, if I can’t please the anonymous trolls who lurk in the background, that also doesn’t mean I should disappear in fear of what they may think or say. 

The life I desire for myself is too big to hide myself away from small minded folk.

I’ve seen anonymous pages pop up on various social media platforms dedicated to ripping people apart for what they post and how they portray themselves online. 

Yet when these people post online, it’s those that don’t follow them who are the first to view their stories or share their posts, foaming at the mouth to pass their judgement behind a veil of anonymity. 

It’s often people who secretly wish they could occupy more space, live bigger and bolder lives, or who want to be less afraid of being themselves that are the first to pass judgement on others.

Regardless, people with public facing profiles are likely “asking for it,” they must think.

Well, I can say for certain that I am not.

I have received threatening emails, DMs and mentions—people calling for me to be raped or killed for doing my job, while others say vile, inappropriate things because they feel entitled due to their parasocial relationship with me because they follow me online.

I have no choice but to block and delete these people, but the nudging feeling that there are people who feel they are within their rights to repeatedly contact me, to say disgusting things to me, or to harass me because I dare to exist as a woman online remains. 

Another example is that I posted earlier this year about my choice to forgo a large wedding and to have a more intimate Anand Karaj ceremony followed by a civil ceremony in Mexico.

I had people call me “white washed,” say that I was lost for wanting to do a ceremony this way, have people allege that I was trying to be “Christian,” despite having a Sikh wedding prior to my civil one, and my favourite, people claiming that I was using my wedding as a way to try to be “different,” online.

To back track – while I explained my choice to do things my way in a previous article – I thought it was amusing that despite my intention to do things both respectfully and mindfully — both towards Sikhi and my own personal wishes—I was still crucified.

It made me realize that ultimately people want to be able to pass judgement on people they do not know simply because they can. 

They see someone doing things differently than they would do themselves and find that enough to interrogate your existence, your religious beliefs and values, your morals, your representation of your culture or background and more. 

The irony is that while I get death threats for stories I write which advocate for Sikh perspectives in mainstream media, these religious warriors who allege their hatred was borne out of wanting to protect the sanctity of the religion are nowhere to be found. 

My value, seemingly, is in my ability to fulfill exactly their idea of what a pious person should look like—anything short is worthy of hate.

The values I represent as a person, which remain the same whether I am having a wedding the way that I want to (in accordance with the principles I believe in—which by the way also respect religious principles as well), or whether I am doing my job and correcting misinformation or harmful narratives about the community I belong to remain the same in each scenario.

But regardless of what I believe and what I demonstrate with my actions that I stand for, the bar is constantly moving. 

In another TikTok, someone commented asking if my in-laws are okay with the fact that I drink because I posted a silly video drinking wine while watching reality TV.

I made a sarcastic video about how my in-laws (who are lovely and not archaic) do not live with me but also do not impose their beliefs on me or try to control what I do — as they should.

In the comments, many people, including mostly brown men, called me an alcoholic, a disgrace and everything in between.

My video was not promoting drinking nor suggesting that I was revolutionary for drinking in my home. It is not a liberatory choice to drink as a woman, it was simply saying that I do not let others dictate my life, and pointing out hypocrisy and double standards. 

I don’t think that suggesting I am grateful to do whatever I want in the walls of my own home is worthy of being ripped to shreds online, but the keyboard warriors are always in full swing nonetheless. 

What all of these various experiences, and the many others I’ve faced both on and offline have taught me is that integrity cannot be taught and it cannot be bought. 

In all scenarios, all I can do is remain true to myself. I don’t need others to understand or approve of my life or rather the glimpse of it they get through snippets online.

There are people whose sole pleasure in life comes from criticizing others, dedicating their free time to pinpointing all the things that are wrong with people online to assuage whatever feelings of self doubt they may be grappling with on their own.

You can’t win in everyone’s eyes. It’s quite literally impossible and when you try, it becomes painfully transparent to everyone around you that you are being something other than precisely what you are. 

It’s why I’d rather stay true to who I am and what I believe, even if it may quell the trolls to bend to what people online think I should be

I can defend what I think is right, advocate for vulnerable communities, maintain my own relationship with God, be successful at my career and share silly little photo dumps just because I feel like it.

When you know who you are and what you stand for, other people’s comments should not and cannot impact how you see yourself.

I’ve worked very hard to carry myself with integrity, stand by my values and beliefs, and to not tolerate shit I don’t have to. I’ve also worked to establish and maintain a strong sense of worth—something I certainly lacked when I was younger.

My advice? While insults or threats may be difficult to stomach, and praise may be the honey you need to soothe your feelings of self doubt, never let the words of other people move the needle on how you feel about yourself — good or bad. 

So when people ask, doesn’t it bother you, all the crazy messages you get? 

The honest answer is no. There is nobody on earth who can tell me about myself. 

I’m carrying this energy with me into next year and I hope you do too. User243520023958 be damned.