What the hell are “trad wives” and why is everyone up in arms about “Ballerina Farm?”

This week I stumbled upon a long form article about “the queen of tradwives”—a woman who goes by Ballerina Farm on social media, and shares content about life on her farm with her husband and eight kids. 

Naturally, I was curious to learn more about this beautiful young woman, who from the outside seems to have a picturesque, “simple life.”

Upon further reading, however, it became apparent that Hannah Neelman, the woman behind the account, only exemplifies being a “trad wife,” because she had done everything in her power to erase her own identity outside of her husband and the many children she bore for him. 

I had previously seen content on TikTok about “trad wives” and something about it always felt inherently perverse.

It wasn’t just about being a wife who takes on various roles within the home—something that many women do and that is an extremely important job that is foundational to the functioning of many families. 

According to Parents.com, trad wives aren’t the same as stay at home moms. Instead, they exist solely to support their husbands

“Unlike stay-at-home moms, who may choose to stay home for practical reasons, such as child care or they simply enjoy household management, tradwives adhere strictly to traditional gender roles, driven by a distinct belief in their necessity and virtue.”

The concept is based on bringing back old school ideals, which if you think about it in context, is pretty terrifying. 

According to Time Magazine, in the 18th century, women who were married lived under the legal doctrine of coverture, “in which their individual, legal identities were subsumed under those of their husbands.”

This is what makes the concept so disturbing—because although it is on an extreme level, there is this inherent expectation of sacrifice that is normalized in marriages, particularly for women. 

The reason the account is called “Ballerina Farms” is because that is what the Neelman’s named the 328-acre farm their family of 10 lives on. Neelman was a ballerina at Juilliard in New York City when she met her husband but has since given up dancing altogether.

Each year, Juilliard only lets in 12 dancers to their extremely competitive and coveted dance program and Neelman was one of them, highlighting the amount of work, skill and dedication it would take for her to be able to get in.

Yet at the age of 21 after meeting her husband, despite wanting to finish school and continue dancing, her husband told her, “‘It’s not going to work, we’ve got to get married now.’ ” 

According to the article, after a month they were engaged. Two months after that they were married and moved into an apartment Daniel rented on the Upper West Side. And three months after that she was pregnant, the first Juilliard undergraduate to be expecting “in modern history”.

Despite wanting to keep dancing, Neelman talks about the sacrifices “they both made” to start a family. Her, giving up something that was so foundational to her identity and her husband, she says, giving up his “career aspirations,” (despite being the son of a billionaire).

While the idea of a “trad wife,” is being sold as an empowering choice, Neelman’s life story shows that it really is another way to sell women on the idea of folding themselves and their lives in order to fit into their husbands predetermined picture for what they’ve always wanted—their wive’s wants and needs aside.

Sure, sacrifice is an inherent part of becoming a mother and starting a family, but I don’t believe that stifling my hopes and dreams will make me any better off as a wife or mother.

It also disturbs me to think that there is a resurgence of content online teaching women that it is okay to cast aside your entire identity and needs in order to be a “good wife.”

The prime issue here is the matter of choice. 

If Neelman, or any woman, made the conscious choice to set aside their own desires for their husband and family, then more power to them. 

But when it is an inherent expectation, that a woman would become who and what her husband needs, regardless of her own wishes, is when there is a deep and unfair power imbalance.

I’ll be the first to admit, there was a time in my life where if you told me I would be the kind of wife who would fold my husband's underwear and pack his lunch every day for work I would simply laugh in your face.

This was because I didn’t think I would meet someone who would care for me so deeply and also reciprocate this love and care for me.

It brings me joy to take on tasks that make his life easier because he does the same for me. I also do these things happily because he doesn’t expect them, but is instead grateful for them.

He doesn’t want me to stop being who I am or to put aside all I’ve ever wanted in order to be a better wife, because we simply wouldn’t have the relationship we do if that were the case.

I’ve expressed to him my fears of eventually becoming a mother because I worry that my deep dedication to my future kids would cause me to cast aside everything I’ve ever wanted for myself to give all that I can to them.

He’s reassured me instead that although challenging, the two can coexist, and with a supportive partner, I don’t need to forgo one for the other.

Folding your identity into your partner’s—consciously or not— is something that will have ramifications in the long run.

In Neelman’s case, even if she happily hung up her ballet flats and is happy to be a mother, everything she is now is in service of her husband and kids—everything she was a distant memory of the life that could have been.

I don’t know about you, but I won’t let anyone on the internet tell me that erasing myself until I barely exist is a noble act. 

And despite the expectation that we must endure sacrifice after sacrifice for the greater good of our families, I don’t want my ability to endure to be the only legacy I leave behind.

Read the full article here.